Stupid Shit I Read in People Magazine (July 8 edition)

"Ashes?"

She was in her bedroom, where she clearly had been all day. Her laptop was resting on her knees. Probably working on a story, writer that she is. Head bent down. She looked a little irritated that I had interrupted her concentration. "Yes?"

"The love I have for you is primal."

Ashes wrinkled her nose. If I had farted into her room, she couldn't have looked more disgusPaula-Deen-Under-Fire-PEOPLE-Coverted. "That's...really creepy, dad."

What a sweet girl. I beamed.

"Dad, could you do me a favor and tell that to Theo?" she asked.

"Of course." I pulled back her curtain and walked down the door to his room. Knocked on his door. He didn't answer. I waited a few seconds, in case he was masturbating, and then opened it up. "Theo?"

He looked up from the video game he was playing. "Yes?"

"The love I have for you is primal."

I stood there and smiled in my most winning fashion. He stared into my eyes for a moment. And then he said, "Could you please leave?"

I closed the door, humming 'Can you feel the love tonight," to myself. Ah, the love of a father with his children.

"You know how bad that sounds, right?" Ashes asked, as I headed back to her room. "Primal just sounds plain dirty. It sounds like you love us in a dirty way."

"How terrible!" I said, shocked beyond belief. "I just read in People magazine that famous actor James Gandolfini was found dead in Italy on a trip with his 14 year old son. And when his former fiancee Lora Somoza heard it, she thought, 'At least he was with the great love of his life when he passed. I remember he once said the love he had for his son is primal.' Primal. Isn't that touching? And all I wanted to do was pass that on to you."

Ashes shook her head. "It sounds dirty to me."

Dirty? Ah, the nerve of these kids! Equating primal love with something dirty. They don't get it, the way I got it, the way recently-deceased noted actor James Gandolfini got it. The ingrates don't know good love when they see it. We'll see if I ever shower my primal love on them again!

Ingrates. It was enough for me to take up drinking. Again.

I waited until Corb arrived home from the work, after the kids were long gone. I waited until he had taken his shoes off and he had thrown them into the closet. And then I said,

"The love I have for you is primal."

Corb blinked for a moment, taking in this heartfelt declaration of love. It was clear, he was looking for the right words to express the feelings he had inside. It was obvious, he wasn't going to let me down, the way my kids had. He would clearly be the one I took to Italy to have a heart attack with.

"You smell like doo doo butter," he replied. Then, headed for the bathroom.

Sigh. It must be the delivery. Clearly, James Gandolfini was a far, far better actor.