Sunday, July 29, 2012
Look, up in the sky!
The feeling had come over me all of a sudden, entirely out of the blue. Corb and I were driving down a winding road that led to The Homestead, on the way to pick up Ashes. It wasn't exactly a country road, per se, but it was lush and green and there was a horse farm off to one side. It was a pretty road in a somewhat rural area, which is why I enjoy going down it to pick up the kids.
Five seconds later, something caught Corb's eye, to the right. He whistled. "Ted, how did you do that?"
I smiled. He kept staring. "Seriously, Ted, we just passed about a dozen wild turkeys! How in the hell did you know?"
I shrugged, pleased with my new-found powers. "I'm not sure, really. It's just kind of come upon me. I felt the same way about a week ago. All of a sudden, I just know that wild turkeys are going to appear."
Corb shook his head. "But how?"
"I think it has something to do with the time I hit that wild turkey going to set construction. Ever since then, I just get this feeling whenever wild turkeys are in the area. I know it sounds crazy, but I think I somehow formed a bond with the dead wild turkey when I hit it, and he warns me whenever his turkey friends are nearby."
So there you have it, folks. I'm the turkey whisperer. If you ever need me for children's birthday parties or bar mitzvahs, just let me know. You know how to reach me!
What I wonder is, how can I put this newly-acquired skill to good use? When Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider, he decided to devote his life to being SpiderMan. When the Fantastic Four were doused in gamma radiation, they used their newfound powers to defeat evil. What can I do to help humanity as the Turkey Whisperer? Could I summon my wild turkey friends, the way that Aquaman can summon salmon? Can I actually communicate with them? Talk their language? Would my new-found powers be helpful during Thanksgiving?
Also, this is important. I've got to think of a costume. Quite honestly, brown is not really my color. I think I'd look like a big giant turd, frankly. I guess I'd have to throw in some orange and yellow, frankly, just to add a splash of color. Or maybe just put a giant T on my chest? But no...then people just might think I'm Ted-man. Should I add feathers? No, then I'd just look like the Indian who sang with the Village People. And also, wouldn't skin tight spandex make me look fat? I might seriously need to think about joining the gym. Then again, maybe that wouldn't be an issue, as the Turkey Whisperer...
Sigh. So many thinks to consider. This may take a few months to sort out. But don't be surprised if somehow, somewhere...in the middle of a bank robbery, somewhere...you hear somebody cry out, sometime soon:
"This looks like a job for...the Turkey Whisperer!"
Posted by nocompromises at 1:08 PM