Thursday, January 14, 2010
Ted's Mystery Theater Presents: The Sinister $20 Cheese Coupon
Proof positive that too much cheese consumption will lead Little Sally into a life of serial murder...
"Now, who in the world would want to buy $20 of cheese products?" asked Corb, as we were exiting the South Eldredge version of the local Stop and Grab.
"Someone who wants to be really constipated?" I asked.
"No, seriously," he said, staring down at the slip in his hands. "The cash machine just handed me a coupon for $2 off any $20 purchase of cheese. Who would want to buy $20 worth of cheese?"
Clearly, it was time for me to put on my Sherlock Holmes cap.
"Oh, that's easy," I said, digging in my pocket for the car keys. "Mice."
For some reason, Corb looked at me rather strangely, as if that seemed like an odd thing to say. "And what would mice be doing with coupons for cheese?"
"Corb, mice like bargains, too, you know."
"Don't be ridiculous!" he said. "How would a mouse earn enough money to buy $20 worth of cheese?"
"Duh. By working, of course. What, are you saying mice aren't hard workers?"
"I've never actually seen a mouse work, ever. And who would hire mice to work for them?"
I thought about that for a moment. "Oh. Cats!"
Corb squinted his eyes. I turned my back on him to open up the car. "Ummmmm...so, why would cats hire mice to work for them?"
I shook my head. "Really, Corb. To eat them, of course."
"Can you believe it? I was a little shocked when I first heard about it, myself. What a wicked, evil scheme! Cats place 'Help wanted: Mice' ads in the papers. The mice read them, and then, when they go to the office to fill out the application, voila! While they're busy filling out paperwork, holding little tiny pens in their hands, the cats pounce. The mice don't expect a thing. It's a ready made and endless supply of food for the enterprising feline. I tell you, it's brilliant!"
Corb scratched his head. "So let me get this straight. Cats are placing help wanted ads in papers to lure unsuspecting mice in for jobs so they can eat them?"
"Exactly. Devious, isn't it?"
"So, where do the $2 coupons off every $20 purchase of cheese products come in?"
Oh. Oh! "That's the best part of all! You see, those coupons are incentives."
"For the mice to WANT to work! They want to get the jobs so that they can earn the money to buy the cheese. So, clever cats have placed those coupons all over local supermarkets, hoping the mice will see them and want to start to buy the newspapers looking for the 'Mice Wanted' ads. Then they'll get the job to buy the cheese and go to the office to get the job and get eaten by the cats. There! Another mystery solved. No, no need to thank me. It's all in a day's work."
I turned the stang on and put the car into drive, satisfied. Corb shook his head. "Ted, sometimes you REALLY scare me."
Posted by nocompromises at 6:54 PM